How To Blow Up The Universe
by Geneivere StarryEyes
Summary: Because if you're with the Doctor it's bound to happen. And it's bound to be wibbly.
1. Chapter 1

_I can't write proper crack, just in warning, so this is just a bit of fun to see what I can come up with. _

_The bold print is me talking and breaking the curtain. With the other characters._

_So this takes place in The Doctor's wife. Some where between when the Doctor get's into the TARDIS with Idris, and when she get's to go back where she's supposed to be.  
_

_It's the first time I have tried some thing like this so tell me what you think in a review - below._

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How to blow a hole in the universe

Rules and guide on how to make the universe explode.

(And in essense what not to do for that to happen.)

Once there was the Doctor and his TARDIS and his funny little Ponds, and they managed to, on almost every occasion, blow up the universe or crack it or just plain nuke it out of existence, entirely. And I mean out of universe, I mean as in no more me or you or morning cups of coffee - or tea. Or your morning cereal (Oh, that's really generic sounding.)

They managed to do all this with the TARDIS, she's a space and time traveling vessel thats smaller on the outside Clara voice insert.

**Not as yet, not till series seven.  
**

Clara: Sorry

**I am afraid of what they'll do to you, did you know that last season - **

River: _Spoilers_

**What's that gonna do to her? She hasn't got any wonky timeline issues – as yet – and the only thing that could affect Clara was when she was a – never mind, I understand.**

River – Glad you get it.

Clara's not supposed to even be here so we'll let her get back to the BBC writers, who have undoubtedly found a new way to rip skulls off viewers.

And, the Doctor and his friends find themselves back in the TARDIS after landing in a pocket universe, having the TARDIS matrix shoved into a human body whose soul has been vacuumed out to provide the necessary space.

Rules #1 don't leave the known universe. Or get lured there - Recklessly.

You would think that with nine hundred plus years of life, you would know how to smell a trap but said Doctor is entirely stupid sometimes.

The doctor is looking from face to face excitedly, and a little hesitant – it's the repressed excitement of introducing someone to your new girl friend. Except, it's not, it's the IDRIS/TARDIS. And she looks around a bit wonkily, like she's not sure either. She's also looking everywhere else in wonder.

"This is my TARDIS - she's a woman, and she's my TARDIS." The doctor's small smile shines, like she's a new toy.

IDRIS looks at the Pond's curiously and seriously at the same time and says something. I think it's Hello but I'm not sure.

Amy gapes in her unique way, shocked and surprised, and suddenly she wants to grin, instead she ribs the Doctor, "Did you wish really hard?"

"It's not like that!" The Doctor turns to her from his 'bity mad lady' and tries to tamp down the awkward humor.

Suddenly River appears, "Hello Sweetie," and IDRIS ambles up to her and grabs the vortex and sneezes on it. A puff of gold energy hits it, and it sparks hard. The Doctor grabs IDRiS and shakes her.

"What did you do?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

The strap is sparking hard. And the doctor is nearly screeching, "Who sneezes archon energy on a vortex manipulator?"

He is sonicing it with his handy sonic screw driver, and he's trying every damn setting he can find. Because he doesn't know what will happen if he can't stop the vortex manipulator from going bat shit crazy.

Rule #2 Don't believe the Doctor can fix everything. Because insert River voice Darling he can't. Just ask River. Oh, he can fix things, and he's got that oh so cool sonic that one day might be able to do wood. Out of all the known machines, and well everything, he can fix half, the other half it's a whole lot of guess work.

He gets lucky a lot.

**What's that old line?**

River: The doctor lies

Doctor: No, I do not.

Amy: insert start

Doctor: I'm not saying anything.

**I see what you do at night.**

insert everyone staring

**Just joking - geez**


	2. Chapter 2

They disappear, the Doctor and IDRIS, and land smack in Pete's world. And there are still zeppelins in the sky but there no cyber zombie people roaming around - nothing but a clear blue sky.

River gets up and dusts the seat of her tight trousers, and shakes out her hair. She smiles mischievously, "So, where do you think we are Doctor? New, new York? Oh, is this Rigel 5?"

The doctor's face is dropped in shock, "This is where I dropped Handy off."

River carries on blightly doing nothing in particular. The strap is broken so she can't fiddle with it properly. It's destroyed all the way through.

"What did you say honey?" She calls back wandering.

This is where the Doctor, in his last body, dropped off his clone, after giving the supposedly love of his life to said clone. Talk about rip skull possibilities. Well, they were the same person, except Lefty, to his absolute disgust, only has one heart. No more reckless, cardiac threatening activities for you. Lefty also has a rough mouth (I want to say dirty but he might not like it described as that.) So, in other words he's still rude and not ginger, with one life.

The Doctor is crushed, this one with the stupid bow tie and big chin, not the other. He imagines Rose and the cloned**_T_**rouble on legs in domestic bliss. Or marital bliss.

Dear Lord not marital bliss.

**Wait that's not right, he's you isn't he? Or was you? Until a certain point… right…**

IDRIS stick to the doctor's side, staring at the floating ships. Her lips work but she can't find the words to express herself so she looks absent minded and like she dropped acid.

The doctor frowns then suddenly he changes, because he's mad as well. The queer type of enthusiasm that's childish and innocent floods him, and is for a change isn't quite as manic as his last shelf. It isn't manic but it's still hyper.

He smooth back his hair and fixes his bow tie, "Let's go find Unit then." And he sets off with a jaunty gait, feeling God~ish or debonair, leaving IDRIS and River to follow behind.

"Wait up, you stupid mad man!" River calls, "Going to Unit is fine, but who's the other woman."

IDRIS looks back with poison in her glare.

"Oh, haven't I told you, that's my TARDIS." He grinned over his shoulder, "Isn't it amazing?"

River: love stories are just precious


	3. Chapter 3

Rule #3 Steal a car, because stealing a car is faster than stopping a taxi. It's up there with getting a criminal record. And it's all worth it, because River can be a total badass.

Unit should be located just in the same spot as the other world. They were fortunate enough to have River commander a vehicle.

And get caught.

And evade the police.

And have a giant alien jelly fish flat crash into them

So there are aliens, randomly visiting earth in this universe too? Good, then Handy won't be so bored.

IDRIS: Now that we have blown a hole in the universe, we have reached the point where we badger the metacrisis and Rose into helping us get back to our universe before it explodes.

**Very good IDRIS**

Doctor: Don't encourage her.

IDRIS: GIANT JELLY FISH

Unit shows up, and escorts the weird assortment of people and jelly fish back to head quarters. Then promptly throws them in a cell. Well, separate cells.

IDRIS is pissed because how many times before she put back in her box will she be put in other boxes that aren't hers. She should seal every kitchen shut when she's back in her proper box.

River is applying lipstick – calmly and thinking when next she'll get laid by her husband, Not that he knows anything about being married to her as yet.

_"IS everyone all right?" _Comes a face and a voice, _"I dislike this box, can my time lord thief please let me out – and I think the other kidney is failing."_

IDRIS is also dying if anyone cares.

He sonics them out, and they head up, and run into a dalek that is screeching, "IN-SURE, IN-SURE," which sounds nothing like exterminate. Everyone stops dead, and blinks. And they burst out laughing. Except IDRIS doesn't. She collapses.

"Don't worry everyone its okay! That's not dangerous. Just altering a cyborg, mutant pepper pot to be able to sell insurance…" Ten runs out hyper – and manic.

"You lot from the cells – get back, you're not supposed to be here." He snags the pepper pot while it goes round on its wheels and leans on it casually and takes a look at the prisoners.

"Aren't we all," River smirks at the TARDIS blue suit wearing half time lord.

"Professor River Song," His eyes open to their limits, along with red spots appearing on his cheeks. Then the smile crawls across his face, and glows.

River attacks Lefty and snogs him, depriving him of air for a good five minutes. She finally decides that he kissed just as good as he does – meaning her Doctor. Which is…you know…

"Really, River? Really?" Bow tie moans, like it's his curse that everyone around him is always horny. He has to fix that somehow when he gets back.

"Hey, I'm never coming back here remember? And I don't know if I'll ever run into the whole time lord version of him again or ever."

Lefty doesn't open his mouth because that would be spoilery, and he does know her, if she doesn't know him - personally.

Well maybe she did, other him, back then - When other him didn't have such a big chin.

"Stop staring, you know how regeneration is." The doctor shuffles his feet uncomfortably.

"And your still not- you know..."

Bow tie rubs his face, "Don't say it- atleast am not-"

Lefty groans, "Don't say it."


	4. Chapter 4

He thunks the Dalek on the back and it stops moving.

"River…. How are you here" He's tickled to see her, because he knows her from that time in the library and some other times. Then he regards the bow tie wearing man. His brows go up.

"How are you even here?" There's the serious, then the intense, all compacted into a twitch of his eye, and the shadow that comes over his face.

"Well, see he got lured into a pocket universe where a planet named House tried to take over the TARDIS, but to do that he shoved the TARDIS matrix into an empty human where a soul is supposed to be (and this is her) so that he could eat the remaining archron energy, like processed food, and my vortex manipulator broke when I dropped in, and here we are, and the other universe is about to blow up – all set right?" She cocked her head and abundant hair, "We need a interdimensional device and, you have one, so let's have it."

"Torchwood has it," lefty replies.

**Foursome, foursome! **

Lefty: Be quiet, don't be such a ape – silly little brain in a silly little body.

**That sounds like nine – are you having character confusion?**

Lefty:shut up

**I'll find Ten and set him on you, you mother censured, and then watch all the yummy but rape.**

insert author wakes up with no memories

**What? Where? Oh the next chapter.**


	5. Chapter 5

Rule# argue, and waste time, don't even bother to ask about Rose, because poking sticks at each other for no reason, other than the testosterone and what ever else runs in time lord.

_They all feel the sexual tension and have a wild consensual shag_. We wish, no, they don't. The doctor and the doctor argue. First about where lefty got a dalek.

"I sneaked it."

"How?"

"One of my jacket pockets."

He looks dumbstruck. A dalek?

"Boy's there's a bigger crisis at hand!" River is trying to get them to shut up, and be sensible.

"Why, because I knew I was going to be bored." The doctor (lefty) thrusts his face at the whole timelord's face, "And a piece of TARDIS that just won't bloody grow!"

"Well, I'm sorry atleast I tried – and what was leaving me the spare screw driver- that nearly cost me the whole earth, do you know that, you stupid half human."

They stop and stare at each other.

IDRIS uses this opportunity to jump Lefty and see if he really is half human. He fights her off or tries and they wing around wildly while River checks the drawers and hacks the pc on the desk.

He's trying to scream get off but he can't and then she bites him. He slams her against the desk by accident. And she drops down unconscious.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" Bow tie yells, and cradles her head.

"That's my pancreas gone there –"And she puffs some archon energy.

Rose walks in the fracas and shouts that there's an escaped jelly fish alien that's eating people's thumbs in the building.

Everyone looks at Rose and they wonder when she'll be delivering.

Everyone also wonder who let the jelly fish out.

"Can, we just get the device please?" Bow tie says with strained patience and great effort at holding in the urge to go scream and die - five times.

Dalek: It was meeeee

**Good on idiot dalek**


	6. Chapter 6

"This wouldn't have happened if you had just given us the interdimensional device in the first place!"

"It's not here!"

IDRIS is turning yellow from jaundice, and her eyes have really dark circles under them.

Rose is screaming since she probably shouldn't have come to work even if she was in early labor, because now she isn't. Now, she's in proper labor. Proper push or die labor. And there is a swarm of jellyfish outside (it was pregnant too.) And the young ones don't just eat thumbs, they eat everything.

And they're locked - in the basement with a medical bag, a stupid non-threatening dalek, two sonic screw drivers and a burnt out vortex manipulator.

Oh, the fun.

Bowtie is nervously pacing the room and pushing his hand through his floppy hair.

"How can Torchwood have it, when YOU'RE over here! – don't you have any clout in here?" He says in an incredulous voice.

Lefty looks a little down trodden, actually he looks like the boy that hooked his thumb in his drawers and realised he wasn't ten inches.

**No one's ten inches. Full stop that would not be comfortable.**

"Oh, this is just perfect... there's giant, jelly fish spawn outside (who would have thought!) and the universe (mine) is going to go BOOM in… blimey, I don't know when, but I left people waiting for me – Amy is waiting … oh she'll want to kill me when I get back!" his voice slows a little at the end.

River pats his shoulder, "Now calm down sweetie – this is almost nothing, why don't I go hunt down the jelly fish spawn, and you two stay here and deal with Miss 'I need to push', cuz she'll be needing to soon."

River pulls a blaster from somewhere on her person, and the Doctor (Bowtie) doesn't even wonder where it came from, stranger neither does lefty.

She turns to leave.

"River!" Bowtie calls.

"Yes, love?" She eyes him like only she can, like she wants to do dirty things to him.

"Don't kill it."

"Insure-rance!" The dalek beeps.

"You're not coming." River states seriously.

It looks hurt, Lefty calls from having his hand squeezed, "Take it with you – he mightn't be to smart but it's still draconian coated, some of the best metal in the universe."

"Oh, yeah, cuz a jelly fish spawn might get indigestion with him." River frowns but allows it to follow.

Rose: Pregnant, you made me pregnant

**I'm also going to make Lefty pass out cold when you finally pop**

Ten clone: That is the height of maliciousness! You can't!

**But isn't it! **


End file.
